David F. Leigh

Miscellaneous

Table of Contents

• The Psychiatric Hotline

• The Engineer's Dictionary

• Mom-isms

• The Standardized Guide to the Bases

• How to Interpret a Job Ad

• How to Interpret a Resume

• The Human Resources Gudebook

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6

• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press

• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn?t atter which number you press. No one will answer.

The Engineer's Dictionary

Mom-isms (and some plain old superstitions)

• (On threatening to run away)

  • Don't let the door hit you in the rear

  • I'll help you pack

  • Is that a threat or a promise?

  • Write if you get work.

• Always put on clean underwear in the morning, in case you're in an accident.

• As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.

• Be a big wheel if you want -- just remember that little dogs go to the bathroom on big wheels.

• Close the door behind you -- were you born in a barn?

• Do you think money grows on trees?

• Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way.

• Don't mind me... I'm only your mother... I only gave you LIFE.

• Don't put beans up your nose.

• Don't run with a lollipop in your mouth.

• Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.

• Eat burnt toast, it'll make your hair curly.

• Excuse me for living.

• Horses sweat, men perspire, ladies glow.

• How can you sleep in an unmade bed?

• If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

• If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert.

• If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me.

• If you play in traffic and get hit by a car, I'll kill you!

• If you run in the road, a car will hit you and you'll turn into a grease spot and be forgotten.

• If you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach.

• Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

• It'll never get well if you pick it.

• It's no use crying over spilt milk.

• Lift up your legs when you go over a railroad track and make a wish.

• Little pitchers have big ears.

• Never answer the phone on the first ring.

• Never say "shut up," say "be quiet." Don't say "no", say, "I'd rather not."

• Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.

• Put that down! You don't know where it's been!

• Shut your mouth and eat.

• So it's raining? You're not sugar -- you won't melt.

• Stop the world and I'll get off.

• The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

• A miss is as good as a mile.

• Two wrongs don't make a right.

• Wash behind your ears or you'll have a potato field growing back there.

• Whenever you leave the house, put a dime in your shoe in case you need to call home.

• Whistling girls and crowing hens always come to some bad end.

• Why don't you go out and play on the yellow line?

• Why should a farmer buy a cow when he can get the milk for free?

• You can't judge a book by its cover.

• You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

• You can't start the day on an empty stomach.

• You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

• You have to make your bed in case the house burns.

• You must think rules are made to be broken.

Standardized Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, John and Cathy went behind the gym and they got to SECOND BASE!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? We mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

First Base This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is O.K., if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

The Standardized Guide to the Bases!

First Base or Hit Kissing of any variety

Second Base or Double Breasts touched/fondled

Third Base or Triple Mutual Masturbation/Fondling

Home Run Intercourse

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now-a-days.

Balk premature ejaculation

Banned For Life For Gambling sex without condom

Bases Loaded very heavy petting, but no score

Batting Coach Dr.Ruth Westheimer

Batting Helmet condom

Box Seats waterbed

Bunt masturbation

Change-up finding out your partner is a transvestite/cross-dresser

Corked Bat sterile

Curve Ball endless flirting that leads nowhere

Day Game nooner

Delay Of Game coitus interruptus

Designated Hitter steady sex with the same person

Double Header two dates in one night

Double Play cheating on your significant other

Ejected From Game contracted AIDS or other fatal venereal disease

Error condom breaks

Extra Innings all-nighter

Fast Ball quickie

Foul Tip any nonfatal venereal disease

Grand Slam sex, then breakfast the next morning

Ground Rule Double would have sex, but no condom

Hall Of Fame marriage

Inside The Park Home Run oral sex

Minor League under 18

Mixed Signals mixed signals

No Hitter entire evening wasted; never got on base (except for possibly a walk)

On Deck have plans for a date

Pinch Hitter surrogate partner

Pine Tar KY Jelly®

Playing On Astroturf sex on the carpet

Pitching Machine inflatable rubber woman

Promotion To Management pregnancy

Rain Delay parents/roommate return home unexpectedly. Game may be either continued later, or called (ended).

Relief Pitcher hand job/vibrator

Retired Number joined priesthood / convent

Rookie virgin

Sacrifice Fly setting up a friend with a hot date

Seventh Inning Stretch unusual positions

Squeeze Play sadomasochism

Stealing Base attempting to get on base without waiting for proper signal. Often caused by mixed signals

Stealing Home rape

Strikeout duh!!

Suicide Squeeze Play attempted rape (attempt to steal home)

Third Base Coach Dr. Joyce Brothers

Three Up And Three Down impotency

Triple Header be real! (see Double Header)

Triple Play menage a trois

Umpire voyeur

Walk a goodnight kiss

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly compare the old, less well-defined method with the new clearly-defined terms.

OLD WAY- "Well, um, I thought she didn't like me, and the date was over, but I sort of got to first base, then to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. We might have, uh, lunch tomorrow. I, uh, really like her."

NEW WAY- "First, she sent me some mixed signals. I thought it was gonna be a no hitter, but at least I got a walk. Then, I got a standup triple, a ground rule double, and an inside the park home run. She said that if I bring a batting helmet tomorrow, we could go to a day game. If everything works out, I may become her designated hitter."

How to Interpret a Job Ad

How to Interpret a Resume

I used to claim that I didn't write fiction. Then I started helping people with their resumes. So this is for anyone in HR who has to read the darned things.

Human Resources Guidebook

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

 Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

• If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

• If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

• If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

• If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

• If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

• If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

• If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

• If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

• And if they've left early, put them in Sales.