OK, so some of these aren't true (I'll leave it to you to figure out which). But wouldn't it be neat if they were?
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside
main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution:
"Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight
OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland
not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The
autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something
loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something
tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of
hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution:
"Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume
unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to
more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on
windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in
altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution:
"Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF
inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF
mode."
Problem: "Friction
locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution:
"That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief
search."
Good morning and welcome to Tuesday. Today's weird news is soooooo weird that I have no idea how to even write an intro for it. I mean, it is proof that the legal system in America has gone crazy. And I do not know if we have discovered the dumbest woman in America or the cleverest one.... you be the judge. Our news today brings us right into our own backyard, to Philadelphia, the city of Brotherly Love, the Liberty Bell, and assorted other good things. It is also the city where a woman is suing a pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly which failed to keep her from becoming pregnant. It was not exactly a failure of the contraceptive jelly; the pregnancy happened because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.
And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?"
"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste." "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."
As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the
lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome
lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending
over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is
perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses
- even a moronic legal action like this."
Did you know who in 1923 was:
President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING
GOLF
Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he sent them a Barbie doll head.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207
Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head
of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have
teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities