Theories

Vegetarianism

It should be the goal of every enlightened being to be as morally perfect as possible.

The epitome of the morally perfect being is the plant. Plants are morally perfect by their very nature... they subsist on sunlight, air, water, and naturally decaying matter. They do not actively kill, destroy, maim, or even piss off other beings. They provide the world with medicines, shade, and oxygen. They are totally giving entities, asking nothing of others.

You might argue that plants cannot be moral beings because morality implies choice, and plants cannot choose their behavior. This is a false argument. Plants are morally superior because it is their nature to be so; they cannot act in any other way.

Therefore, it is evil to eat them.

Therefore, the more plants you eat, the more evil you are. The most evil animals on Earth are those that prey solely upon the substance of defenseless vegetation: cows, horses, etc. As you have read from many sources, herbivorous animals are ruining our planet. Cow flatulence alone greatly contributes to the high levels of poisonous methane in our atmosphere!

We, as lowly animals, cannot hope to rise to the moral perfection of the most frail dandelion; the sad fact of our biological structure forbids it. Therefore we should do the next best thing, and spend our lives in humble subservience to the plants of this world. We should tend them, nurture them, and defend them. Yes, we should defend them from rapacious, vicious, evil vegetarian beasts! We should further thin the population of these nasty, disgusting creatures, and eat them thus avoiding becoming evil vegetarians ourselves!

The only moral lifestyle an animal can lead includes a carnivorous diet! Furthermore, if you follow a purely carnivorous diet, you will be rewarded with robust health as a "karmic reward". Read all about it here.

Water Towers

Water towers aren't water towers at all. Have you ever wondered why you've never seen one being built? It's because they land in the middle of the night. Yes, these seemingly innocuous structures are the vehicles (and duck blinds) of space aliens here to study and ultimately control us. Want more proof? Why do you think the name of the town is painted so prominently on the side of these things? Don't you think the people there know where they live? The label is the destination of the tower, much like the sign on the front of a bus! And why would water towers need antennae, hmmm? These antennae are used to piggyback mind control signals onto existing radio signals (such as the Rush Limbaugh show). These signals are partly designed to enhance the camoflage by making you believe the tower had always been there, but partly it's to control your mind... they're experimenting now, forcing people to elect idiots and buy things they don't need.

I published this theory on my BBS and it took off like a rocket. We had discussions like you wouldn't believe, including one damned fool who took it seriously and ran off to examine the things firsthand.

Weddings

If you get married, never, never fall for that old superstition about not seeing your wife on her wedding day. That's just an excuse to replace the sweet girl you proposed to with the horrible witch you wind up marrying. You may laugh, you may scoff, but ask yourself this... why is it that simple weddings performed by the Justice of the Peace last so long? Hmmm? It's because there was no switch-er-oo. Think about it, and keep a close eye on your bride!